Day Eighty Nine

Who else had that old thought of “earning” a drink? If I navigated something hard, I had earned a drink. If I achieved something I had been working for, it meant I had earned an opportunity to celebrate with a binge. Some days I just thought to myself, fuck it, I’ve had a hard life, I sure as hell as earned the right to be drunk.

Loving myself, and accepting my worth outside of what other people thought of me, made me realise that I had earned the chance to have joy, and sobriety was actually the prize. It’s not only the prize, it’s just the beginning.

Drinking was my self-sabotage of true joy. I always wanted to believe there was lasting happiness outside it, but it seemed like too scary a prospect. Talking to other sober people made me believe I could do it, and seeing myself as just another human being and not a hopeless cause made me realise that if they could do it, I could too.

You don’t need to earn happiness; you don’t need to earn love – but through the work we are earning a better life where all those things are abundantly possible.