Day Eighty Seven
I thought I could control my drinking, until it started to control me. So I tried controlling literally every single thing in my life. When I couldn’t control everything in my life I decided that all the dark, broken things about me and my life were that way just because they were, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. That helped me regain this imaginary sense of control.
Trying to control everything led me to the corner, where I felt hopeless and in need of a strong drink, because there will always be things I can’t control. There will be always things that I have to take my hands off and just let be. It isn’t a question of how strong I am. I can be as strong as I’ll ever be and still not be able to control the uncontrollable. However, there will be small significant changes over the things I can control, which is usually my actions and reactions. Doom-scrolling will not mean I am controlling the global situation of pain and suffering, but I can connect to other people and potentially share a burden, which will help manage my reactions and open pathways to the things I can control.
I thought worrying about things was me controlling the situation. I thought the more I obsessed, the greater control I had. This is reality let my emotions run wild, becoming more and more uncontainable.
I thought I had to be “in control” of every situation to remain stable and secure, but the true strength has eventually been accepting what I can’t control, and usually that leaves space for me to address the dark and broken things within myself, that I actually do have the strength to deal with.
Do you have an urge to control everything? How does it feel to let go of that which you cannot change?
Three tiny things:
- Find a way to bring more light into your surroundings, physically or metaphorically.
- Read something that challenges you today.
- Write five things you have no control over, and five things you do have control over.