Day Eighty Seven

I thought I could control my drinking, until it started to control me. So I tried controlling literally every single thing in my life. When I couldn’t control everything in my life I decided that all the dark, broken things about me and my life were that way just because they were, and there wasn’t anything I could do about it. That helped me regain this imaginary sense of control.

Trying to control everything led me to the corner, where I felt hopeless and in need of a strong drink, because there will always be things I can’t control. There will be always things that I have to take my hands off and just let be. It isn’t a question of how strong I am. I can be as strong as I’ll ever be and still not be able to control the uncontrollable. However, there will be small significant changes over the things I can control, which is usually my actions and reactions. Doom-scrolling will not mean I am controlling the global situation of pain and suffering, but I can connect to other people and potentially share a burden, which will help manage my reactions and open pathways to the things I can control.

I thought worrying about things was me controlling the situation. I thought the more I obsessed, the greater control I had. This is reality let my emotions run wild, becoming more and more uncontainable.

I thought I had to be “in control” of every situation to remain stable and secure, but the true strength has eventually been accepting what I can’t control, and usually that leaves space for me to address the dark and broken things within myself, that I actually do have the strength to deal with.