Day Eighty Two

Day Eighty Two

So many of my actions were motivated by an intense fear of abandonment. The intrinsic sense of loneliness I’ve felt since I was born and a propensity to get attached to people who I thought would make me whole, drove me to modify my behaviour to be what they wanted. It would make me move fearfully through the relationship, acting out at the slightest change of tone or text that would suggest they would leave me.

The one thing I didn’t think would leave me was the comfort of a drink – and then it did.

Both of these behaviours were killing me, quickly and slowly. I was stunting my personality, keeping myself in an alternate reality I invented, and inevitably left me lonelier than I ever imagined, no matter how connected I thought it was making me feel.

I was under the impression I had to earn love, and lived in a state of a points system, where I had to earn enough points to be worthy of love and affection. It drove me to choose partners who benefited from this behaviour, and I let them take advantage of it. It left me depleted, and feeling worthless. The worthlessness kept me small, and it kept me going back to the easy solutions to try and find anything that would help me feel the tiniest bit better about myself.

It’s an intense change to accept we are loveable, and whilst we bring things to the table for a mutually beneficial relationship, we don’t have to earn love. We deserve good things. We deserve to live in good things, without being bound by the fear that they are about to be taken away.

Writing prompt:

How do you react to abandonment and potential abandonment?

Three tiny things:

- Laugh at something today.

- Put your hand on your heart and say “I am here, I am here, I am here” five times.

- Write a list of five things that can’t be taken away from you.