Day Fifty Four

Day Fifty Four

I don’t really remember my last drink, but I remember my first one. My first drink was a can of Tennents, given to me by my dad who wanted me to experience alcohol in a safe environment, alongside this he told me about responsible drinking and how problematic alcohol can be. My sister, who does not have a problem with alcohol, said how much she disliked it (Tennents is an absolutely despicable drink – sorry Scotland, you are my home but Tennnents is a pollution) and moved on with her life.

I didn’t hear the accompanying responsible information that came with my first drink – I was just caught up in the feeling that I didn’t have to feel how I felt anymore. I believe this was the first moment where I became pathologically obsessed with controlling how I felt from external substances – and I suppose the rest is history.

I believed this moment was absolutely core to how I should move through the world. Looking at it now, it places all the more importance on the idea that it was a tool that stopped working, and I needed to learn how to handle life as it comes. I need the reminder that I am an elemental human living in an unpredictable world, and it hurts a lot less when I move with the tide rather than fixating on the idea I have to either control how I feel or dissociate entirely.

Alcohol felt like my cure for being a human being, and it worked until it didn’t. I am at peace with this memory, and move forward finding things that work.

Writing prompt:

Do you remember your first drink? When did it stop working?

Three tiny things:

- Do something that makes you laugh today.

- Dress yourself in a way that feels authentic and powerful.

- Do something for your senses, discussed in week 3.