Day Fifty Nine

My external life as a drinker held together pretty well, even though the inside was bubbling with magma and felt at all times on a knife edge. I used all my energy to get my ducks in a row, and then set them on fire with alcohol. Then I just repeated that, until it fell apart.

After taking out the chaotic factors of hangovers, alcohol wreaking havoc on my depression, and blackout regrets, there was a large gap left in my time and my mental space. Space I could fill with healing from what came before, and an opportunity to get organised in a way that wasn’t going to get torn apart the next time I went on a bender. I could manage my time and my life.

I was able to create organisational habits that created lasting change, and get myself together in a way that gave me a lot of peace of mind.

Alongside the morning routine, I got some whiteboards (one for the fridge, one for the bedroom) where I wrote out some aims and intentions for the day. If I had obligations, I wrote the up with the intentions of meeting them. I planned my weeks in a planner, without the fear of missing things for a hangover. I started to become aware of my true capabilities. I got post-it notes for writing reminders (and some affirmations) to stay on top of my obligations as opposed to letting them get on top of me. It was a nice supplement to all the emotional work I was doing, and it made me manage my time better, so I could be an active friend and colleague in a way I never had been before.

I broke my pattern of not being able to fulfil my obligations and letting them crash on top of me, with small, significant changes. I do not do this perfectly; I overextend often and sometimes when my depression is rearing its head I have to manage my expectations – however I can always tell myself it’s just one thing at a time. It keeps it achievable, and it keeps me going.

Writing prompt:

What are some small but significant ways you can get organised? Or maximise your current organisation levels.

Three tiny things:

- Get some notebooks, sticky notes, planners, etc.

- Write out a pie-in-the-sky dream you have for yourself. You don’t have to do anything with it, just sit with it for five minutes.

- Take a walk and look up, observe things you maybe haven’t noticed before.