Day Fifty Two

Day Fifty Two

There was a point in most people’s lives where life became unfair, we all have experienced something unjust or neglectful that was outside of our control, and not having the tools to deal with it, we turned to coping mechanisms.

For me, I got trapped in my coping mechanism for ten years – because whenever I felt things that resembled injustice or neglect I turned to my only protector, alcohol.

For those of us who were introduced early to trauma and neglect it often feels like large parts of our childhood were ended prematurely, there was a joy experienced by most young people that we felt separate from because we were forced to deal with adult feelings and responsibilities we were not ready for. Whilst we carry and experience adult responsibilities, we have the tools and understanding as a child - then adding alcohol as a numbing agent into the mix, we can get this strange balance of being extremely competent at withstanding emotional pain, whilst being affected on a profound level in ways we can’t always see. It left me with a lot of confusion. I could maintain an international career based on critique and discipline, but a perceived rejection had me on my knees.

Using alcohol to deal with my fundamental pains felt like I had soldered alcohol onto my existence as a human being, however during the inner child work I have done with a therapist, and using the emotional regulation tactics explained in earlier weeks, I have discovered a world outside this perception. For me, it feels like I’m giving myself a second chance to grow up, and this time I have tools. Even if it’s just paying my electric bill, there are no small victories.

Writing prompt:

Do you use alcohol to deal with the blows of life? Do you think in any way this has altered how you process things?

Three tiny things:

- Do something for your inner child today.

- Have you found a favourite alternative non-alcohol-free drink yet?

- Maybe now is time to start a daily journaling practise. Even a page a day.