Day Forty Four

Day Forty Four

Before getting sober my drinking life and sex life were inseparable. The awkwardness that surrounds physical intimacy was always lessened with a drink, which for me meant drinking so much that I forgot I was in a body wrought with sexual trauma and discomfort.


It took me a while to get comfortable with sober sex, with sex that was present and not transactional. I realised that sex had either been to get something I wanted or an obligation. Either wat, I had to be anesthetised for it.


So the first person I got intimate with in sobriety was myself. I got to know my body, and listened to its responses – responses that weren’t dulled or warped by alcohol. It was overwhelming, confusing, and absolutely brilliant.


I talk about this at length in my article The Joy of Sober Sex for Salty, and there is a highlight on my Instagram page.


Some big points for sober sex are:

1) Have sex with someone you trust, where you know you can stop proceedings immediately and without shame.

2) Take it as slow, or as quick as you like. There is no normal, only how you feel in that given moment.

3) Breathe deep, ask for what you do and do not need.


You deserve to enjoy the best sex possible, be patient with yourself, and get ready for beautiful and brilliant changes in your relationship with sex. For me, it’s one of the best things I’ve ever tried.

Writing prompt:

Do you have any hang-ups over sober sex? How do you want to move around it?


Three tiny things:

- Do something purely for pleasure today.

- Look at yourself in the mirror with acceptance.

- Write an affirmation for your body.