Day Forty One
I could write an entire 90 day series of prompts simply on romantic connections in sobriety. This is one of the most complicated and nuanced topics.
I have been in a relationship sober, I have done sober break ups, and I have done the sober single life (lots of content on this on my Patreon) and it all comes with its own set of complications.
We will not be saved or made sane by a romantic relationship. That work will come from within. However, it is natural (and beautiful) to want to share ourselves with someone. For me, my best self is sober, so the more I am working on my sobriety and emotional landscape, the better my romantic relationships are.
Romance has led me back to a drink before, when I was choosing an unsuitable person based on engrained patterns and unmet childhood needs, or when I was looking for an instant gratification romance. Romantic relationships should be entered into, and upheld, with care. Before any romantic decisions I have to ask myself “Whose needs are being met?” If my needs are not being met, and I’m acting out on something dark and unprocessed, then I perhaps need to work out with the person how we could ideally have both of our needs met, or detangle myself. When I was in a relationship as a sober person, I had to ask myself if I was putting myself and my sobriety first, or whether I was pinning my hopes in this person to make everything ok. I needed to work out how to take their support as a supplement and not as my North Star. It opened up lines of communication that made for a strong relationship, and growing strength for us both as individuals.
And listen to Joyce, if they continue to give you shit about not drinking – they aren’t the one.
Do you have sobriety pitfalls around romantic relationships?
Three tiny things:
- Plan a date for you and yourself.
- Listen to some music and react to it.
- Clean what need to be cleaned.