Day Forty Seven

Day Forty Seven

Living a life that was absolutely chaotic required constant maintenance, upkeep of a well-constructed mask, and dragging myself through the day either with a hangover or the gargantuan task of trying to manage my drinking. It didn’t leave room for joy, only struggle.

Joy left a feeling of suspicion inside me. The nature of my life was one of stress and a sense of impending doom – I was holding on and fighting the losing battle so hard that my baseline was one of pain. Joy was an unfamiliar feeling, especially when I made myself exempt from the chance of a life that looked any different than the one I had dug myself down into. I didn’t feel worthy of joy because I didn’t feel worthy of being alive.

When I chose to live differently, it opened the possibilities to feel differently. I had to make the decision to welcome joy as part of that. Joy and gratitude are not self-indulgent or childish, they are important and a muscle I didn’t exercise. The more I opened myself to joy and gratitude, the more they showed up.

I could make myself as open to the bad and complex feelings as I am the happy and ridiculous feelings.

With time, I have become open to good things happening to me. It’s what happens when you turn from the inevitable destruction of drinking, to the curiosity of reaching your full potential in sobriety.

Writing prompt:

Are you comfortable with the idea of joy? How can you invite more of it?

Three tiny things:

- Keep a “Real Time Joy” list. Fill it with moments where you experienced some real time joy.

- Take ten minutes to really enjoy your morning coffee/tea.

- Do something that makes you laugh today.