Day Seventy One

Day Seventy One

There are days that I can’t handle thinking about all the regrettable shit I did when I was fucked up. I’ll be enjoying a nice cup of tea, all of a sudden to be reminded of the time I drunkenly was sick on someone during a sex act. I’ll be walking down the street and I’ll cringe at the messages I sent to my ex in 2016. I’ll be minding my own business and my brain will do a highlights reel of all the times I cried in a bar for no reason.

What I can say with certainty, is that there is a large chance that everyone who bore witness to those things are probably not thinking about it anymore. These memories stay alive, with all their emotional pain, the more that I perpetuate, exaggerate, and cling onto them.

For the more severe embarrassment, and the things that have had lasting effects on relationships that hang over me with consequences, I have the opportunity to truly amend my behaviour. Amend means to change, and act upon that change.

That is how I move through embarrassment, by saying the apologies where I need to and changing my behaviour so it never happens again. For me it has worked from the small scale of not drinking so much I staple my bra to the ceiling of a pub (I really would like that back, bras are very expensive) to learning how to effectively communicate my needs so I don’t explode destructively when triggered or upset.

The other part of the puzzle for me has been forgiveness, forgiving myself for when I didn’t know any better, accepting it as something that happened, and moving on with the intention of doing better.

One day you might even laugh about it. But you’re allowed to take the space to mourn and cringe as you move through it. As I’ve said before, no feeling is permanent.

Writing prompt:
How do you deal with embarrassment? Does it destabilise you?

Three tiny things:

- Write out another secret, and either destroy it or tell a trusted person.

- Take a form of rest today.

- Do something you’ve been putting off for ten minutes.