Day Seventy Seven

Day Seventy Seven

I think I could get addicted to anything if I tried. Actually, I wouldn’t even have to try too hard. I can use everyday things to fill the hole-in-the-soul most humans are born with, anything from food, sleep, sex, tv, you name it.

It can sometimes lead myself into a path of pathologizing myself, hard, and resigning myself to the fact that I maybe just can’t enjoy anything in life without turning it into a life ruining problem.

I don’t particularly enjoy the word moderation, because I believe it suggests a deficit, and it sends my impulse to control everything into overdrive – but I do like the word balance. Balance to me is moveable, and flexible, and those are qualities I enjoy in sobriety.

Within that I can find small luxuries. I can stay within my budget carefully, and still buy fresh flowers for my flat every now and then. I can eat the amount of food I need, and still occasionally get an indulgent dessert or enjoy some chocolate. One of my most important luxuries is time. Even when I have no money, I can give myself the luxury of time to do something slowly, or schedule alone time. Time used to feel like the biggest luxury because I had no work-life balance, and I would berate myself for indulging in very necessary rest. Now I prefer to take my luxury of time as something to truly enjoy and improve my quality of life with.

Drinking wasn’t actually a luxury for me. I could tell myself I was doing it because I enjoyed it, but if I truly enjoyed it, or if it was something that was genuinely good for me, I wouldn’t have needed to get sober. It doesn’t fit into my balance, because by its nature it was so deeply destabilising for me. With its absence, and the work I’m doing, it means true balance can be something actually achievable, and my luxuries aren’t coming with a side of destruction.

Writing prompt:

What are ways you can incorporate luxuries into your life?

Three tiny things:

- Do something luxurious for yourself.

- Write down some gratitude, see if it gets easier the more you try it.

- Check in with someone who needs checked in on today.