Day Seventy Six

Day Seventy Six

Before every craving is usually an intrusive thought. Quick as a whip, it can rattle me.

Sometimes it’s someone else’s voice, telling me all the negative beliefs I hold about myself. I explained to my therapist once how I couldn’t be happy in a particular situation, because the voice of my mentor at the time was telling me how unworthy I was. He told me I was using my mentor’s voice, but it was all my own words. And he was right. Regardless of whether my mentor thought that or not, I was choosing to believe it to suit how I felt about it.

Sometimes the voice is my own, and it’s telling me something I want to hear, that will make the current situation feel manageable. It can tell me to act out on instant gratification, that I don’t need to try because I’ll probably fail anyway, or that I need a drink to get through this. And its favourite line is often “What if it’s different this time?”

I’ve tested this theory many times, and I can say with certainty that it never is different this time. Sometimes it tells me this when I’m in my stride and doing well. I have to combat it by thinking, why would I stop the work that is working, to go back to something that didn’t work? When it strikes as I am feeling low and depleted, I need to recognise it is coming from somewhere that is looking for an escape – and gratefully we now are developing tools to withstand difficult situations, and a life that we don’t need to escape from.

Writing prompt:

How are your intrusive thoughts speaking to you?

Three tiny things:

- Check in with your levels of emotional vulnerability today.

- Ask yourself if you use other people’s voices to excuse your negative self-talk.

- Remember your affirmation for when outside, or inside, voices attack (mine was “You have no lines in this play!”)