Day Sixty Five

Day Sixty Five

Our coping strategies and the behaviours we swaddled ourselves in when we had no other choices become comfortable, they are the only life we know. Stepping out of that can be objectively terrifying.

Existing in friendships with a healthy dollop of mistrust gave me feelings of safety, as being transparent left me open to more hurt. Only going for pointless and harmful relationships guaranteed my suffering, what if I do my best and it still will go wrong? I’ve lived this long a drunk fuzz of sadness, it’s easy to believe that the life outside of it might not be much better.

These are similar to the lies that alcohol told me, that I didn’t deserve to live up to my full potential, happiness isn’t for people like me, and good things don’t happen - so I need to keep myself numb. Like when we talked about opening ourselves to joy, we can turn that outwards and be open to feeling an inner sense of joy as well as open to good things happening for us.

The bigger we make our life, and the more we turn up to it in the genuine way, the more positive things can happen, and slowly but surely we realise that outside of this cocoon of fear, is a world we can exist in comfortably. This was a painfully slow process for me, letting go of things gradually. I still get hit with suspicion when something good comes along, and I want to sabotage it as an excuse to stay small and “safe” in what I know. But these things grow, and whilst the trauma swaddling felt like who I was, there was so much more under it that deserved to thrive in a world that was for me.

Writing prompt:

What are some beliefs or coping strategies you can challenge today? What would it feel like to live outside of them?

Three tiny things:

- Connect with a sense today and celebrate it.

- Did you play an instrument or sing, maybe paint or draw, write? What would happen if you engaged with that in a non-judgemental way today?

- Move something about, energetically, physically, or in your room – change a perspective.