Day Sixty Nine
Being a fan of superheroes and blockbusters I loved the idea that there was going to be an ideal person who would swoop in, fix my drinking problem, give me worth, and mean I never felt lonely again. When no human could do those things, I fell back onto drink as my magical remedy.
Meeting people, projecting my idealised version onto them, in hopes they would deliver to me happiness, put strain on my friendships and any mentors I had. Whether they were teachers or health professionals, or literally a stranger I met on public transport. It became dependant and destructive. I had to learn that no one on the outside would give me the worth I craved on the inside.
What I had to learn inside this was that love wasn’t transactional. A lot of my relationships in the insanity of my drinking were based on the idea that I existed to fulfil a need for them, and I settled for mistreatment and being used, not feeling worthy of being perceived as a fully formed human with thoughts and feelings. Or on the other hand, I was engaging in the friendship for a return of my own. Whether that was someone who could get me drugs, someone I could turn into a new enabler, or the false idea that one day, in some way, they would make me whole.
We are worthy of being more than a transaction, and we have so much to offer friendships and relationships – at any given time along the way. People are just as flawed and fallible as I am, and the more I accept that as reality, the more I can see others and myself as human beings bringing what they have to the table. It broke down my belief that everyone had malicious intentions with me, and that I had to be performative in friendships to fulfil my end of “the deal.”
How has love being a transactional idea affected you in the past? Currently?
Three tiny things:
- Do something for your inner child today.
- Pay your body back with some rest and some water.
- Celebrate something today, big or small.