Day Thirty Eight

Day Thirty Eight

When I was walking around boundaryless I let everyone have access to me. As someone who craved instant gratification this led me to pour my attention and love into people who gave me quick fixes of attention, validation, or the thrill of a potentially harmful behaviour. I gave them unlimited access to my mind and spirit, even if there were broken promises and repeated betrayals.

I was terrified of conflict, and making a healthy distinction of how I wish to be treated and how I do not wish to be treated felt like a conflict waiting to happen. So I just let people walk over me, use me, and drain me. As a person who just wanted to be loved, even crumbs off the table, I wouldn’t stop their access to me. I kept thinking, alongside all of the mistreatment, there might be something good in there, eventually. I was waiting for something to magically change, that one day they would just wake up a new person. And because I didn’t value my peace of mind, I thought the pain I was enduring was somehow more tolerable than the pain of a perceived upcoming conflict.

A few unhealthy friendships and relationships naturally fell away, a bridge that crumbled rather than having to be burned. I ended communication with some people if they were a sobriety threatening. I sometimes found that as soon as I stopped feeding the fire it fizzled out, and they moved onto someone else. The people in my life who I couldn’t avoid, who could not or would not understand parts of my new life (i.e the fact that I cannot simply have JUST ONE) I made the choice to limit their access to me.

If a person cannot and will not see my point of view, or is taking up more space than they are willing to give, then I have to protect the parts of myself they can infringe upon. This means certain conversations are just not possible with certain people. It means I will have to disappoint people if I can’t go on a bender with them. It means that I’m not having casual sex with someone if they’re not going to respect me as a whole person. It doesn’t mean I stop being their friend or think they’re a bad person, just that I’m keeping sacred things sacred. It gives me so much more energy to 1) deal with living inside my own head, and 2) tend to the needs of the people who actually love and nurture me.

Writing prompt:

Are there any people in your life right now who could do with having some of their access limited?

Three tiny things:

- Try out an alternate rebellion today.

- Mindfully prepare and eat a meal today.

- Journal for five minutes, whatever comes to mind.