Day Twenty Four
My inner child can’t always see past the chaos and dysfunction – chaos and dysfunction were introduced to my life when I was a child with no tools to deal with it. So I swaddled myself with it. It became formative. I felt safe in it. I ended up seeking it out, as the only world I knew, even thought it was killing me. How can you seek safety if you’ve never really known what safe feels like?
The unsafe situations that alcohol put me in seemed normal, until I told other people and they started to worry. The chaotic world alcohol put me in seemed manageable, until it wasn’t. Taking alcohol out of the equation doesn’t make the chaos go away, because the pattern is deeply entrenched, and I kept seeking chaos. When I seek chaos, or find comfort in it, it’s important for me to remember that it doesn’t have to be like that – and there’s always a bill at the end. When my hurt child wants to go back to what she knows, for fear of who I even am outside of a bundle of trauma, I have to lovingly tell her we’re doing things differently now, and guide her to healthier decisions for a life that won’t implode.
How have you become accustomed to chaos? Do you find safety and familiarity in chaos?
Two tiny things:
- Neaten up the room you spend the most time in today.
- Think of a mantra to tell the voice of chaos. Mine is “You have no lines in this play!”