Day Twenty Nine
Under most of the cries for help from my inner child is a firm lattice of shame and fear. All the expectations I perpetuated, alongside the self-sabotage, escalated negative beliefs that kept me cornered. And I didn’t want to live outside of the corner for fear.
I have never shamed myself into being a better person. Shame for me is condemnation of who I am. It is an immovable state, and for me to recover I need to move from that self-centred inertia. I’ve had to recognise the difference between shame and assessing myself and thinking what I could do differently. Then acting accordingly. When I consider letting go of fear, I realise that I can actually do things outside of my comfort zone to perhaps live a better life.
There’s great joy in it too. I can ask myself; how would I act if I wasn’t so ashamed of my body? What would I bring to this friendship if I weren’t so ashamed of who I was in the past? A shame state would bring my tendencies to over-apologise or people-please. A state of action would help me think of all the things I can do to move into a better place with both of those issues; be a better friend, be kinder to my body. We can want to be better people without being driven by shame.
What would it feel like to live without shame? What would you do differently today if shame didn’t tell you weren’t good enough?
Two tiny things:
- Write about, or imagine for five minutes, an alternative life, where you weren’t shamed into quitting something. A dream job, a hobby you liked, sobriety, anything.
- Consider how you can integrate parts of that reality into your life as it is now.